Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
