Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
