Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
