They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
