The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
