I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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