Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
