sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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