Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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