I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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