Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
