And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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