i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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