don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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