Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
