Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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