I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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