My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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