Me too!
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
