Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My balls are so social today.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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