Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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