I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
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Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
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I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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