I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I am spending my child support on dildos
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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