It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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