There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
