I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
