Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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