someone threw a dead crab at me
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
