She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
