When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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