Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
