does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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