i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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