god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
