I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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