this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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