I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
