Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Sext me about skeletons
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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