Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
