Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
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