i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
