My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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