I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
