I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It was like giving head to a cactus.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
