how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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