just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
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I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
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You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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