see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
