Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
