I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
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