I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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