Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
