who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
