I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
