She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
