I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Michael Bay diarrhea
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
