i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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