How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
