Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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