My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
