Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
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I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
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I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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