I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
