babies were throwing up all over the place
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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