I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
