It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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