The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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